Whenever I have the need to think about my life and what's going on around me, i'll go to Killarney..* Beshhh wo..tiap kali bila dah sampai masa nk kene berangkat pulang mesti rasa sedih sbb cam x puas duduk situ *..Actually i went to Killarney National Park..The weather was just awesome really...I walked around the park with Tuesday With Morrie at hand. I stopped by a few spots and sit there reading the book and trying to get the meaning and to relate it to my life..
Allahu Allah, the feeling cannot be describe with words.. the serenity just make you forget of your clumsy-hectic-not-so-well-going life...
Lately, I was just feeling I'm losing myself..I mean when I look back into myself, I just don't know who am I any more..with all the changes that occurred during the year, with all the big life events adding up making me losing the me that I was living before..
I used to be someone who was very easy going, laughing to every jokes ( mind you people were annoyed by me when I laugh at jokes like it was the funniest jokes ever heard on earth, cause you'll find me laughing when everyone stops already, or you'll find me laughing out of nowhere for some 'lame' jokes that nobody cares to laugh at). Now, it seems different. Everything is so tight going, smile is forceful, the head was thinking of all the negatives thing. No more fun for you. Sometimes you ask yourself " Why so serious?" but you can never find yourself a good answer for that. You know you are losing yourself when you can't even recognize who you are any more. That' s when I need to just stay back and look at my life spectrum of where it's heading to so that I would not lost deeper and lose myself forever. I miss the old me so much now that I just want to go back in time.
I'm not blaming the circumstances and what had happened. Things happened for a reason and Allah surely is the best planner, but it is for you to keep yourself and be true to your own self.
Being into depression makes you worry and beware of not going there any more..
Being having to wrong other people and breaking the trust make you having to say sorry everyday but it never satisfy you..
Being given responsibility makes you scared, worried and doubting the whole time whether you can pull it off or not..
Being in clinical years left you wonders around the ward not knowing what to do..
Today, I think through my whole life while reading Tuesday With Morrie..The book just guide you of the life you are planning of having. I was thinking of how to make my day at the hospital more fun, enjoyable and meaningful. I was wasting my 3rd year wondering around the ward like a dead zombie. Sleeping in tutorials, skipping tutorials and ward rounds, was late almost everyday to the hospital, not learning anything, not making friends at all, taking history only because i have to submit case write up, don't bother to do Physical Examination on patient at all and i was very passive above all. I just don't know what happened. Like living a dead-end life with no meaning and purpose. I was losing my sense of purpose. Not knowing why i went to the hospital everyday. Then i know something is very wrong here. Even when i was lucky my grades were not going down for Allah's mercy and help, i know it was wrong and i have to make a change.
When you did something bad to people and you know how grave your mistake was, the world seems to stop. It freezes. You stuck. Cannot move an inch. When you are trying to move forward, it pulls you back hard. Then, you are no where to go. You are afraid of moving forward. You are at a dead-end. It was like a nightmare haunting you down every single moment. It takes away your life. It takes away yourself until you are unable to see you in the mirror. You lost the joy of your life. you can't seem to forgive yourself. You pity yourself for the things you had done, you pity the people you had wronged, and then your self confident and self motivation go down the drain. Someone has to shake you up hard enough to make you realize, you have a life to live.
And today, i just decided not to live that kind of life any more. I have so much thing to do, i have hundreds of to do list to go through, i have yet so much thing to experience, i have so much excitement to enjoy, and above all, i have a mission to accomplish. I cannot let my life stuck in the past. I have to move on no matter what. I'm leaving the past behind. I'm saying sorry for the last time for no more self pity and asking for forgiveness over the past events after this. I'm forgiving myself for what had happened out of stupidity and losing control of oneself. I have to accept what was done is done. No matter how much i want to turn back the time, i have to admit i can never do so, but i have a future lies ahead of me to trudge. No matter how much i want to give time chance to heal and make things better, i cannot do that any more cause i had lost so much time and i'm not ready to lose more.
So i'm writing this as to tell myself, i'm moving on. I'm moving forward to live a life I was planning to live. i would not let the past pull me back any more. i would not let self pity destroy me, my confident and my motivation. Enough is enough. It has to end here and now. I have a life to live, I have responsibilities to live up to, I have dreams to make come true, I have myself to keep on living. And there shall be no more regret!
" Oh Allah, show me Your mercy, forgive me of all the sins, and make it easy for me for the life ahead "
Mohd Redhuan Abdul Muin
Mohd Redhuan Abdul Muin