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Thursday, December 2, 2010

Inferiority

Assalamualaikum wbt

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” - Eleanor Roosevelt

Inferiority. Insecurity.

Ituah perasaan manusia. Merasa kerdil dan lemah berbanding orang lain. Ada masa ia bagus, namun ada masa ia membunuh.

Inferiority. Lack of confidence. Lack of self esteem.

Manusia memang pelik. Di hadapan Allah, tidak pula nak merasa inferior, kerdil. Namun, dihadapan manusia, disaat memerlukan keyakinan, inferiority menguasai diri. Itulah permainan hati. Lebih ditakuti, permainan syaitan.

Hurmmm...i was having this surge feeling of inferiority for couple of days now. I know exactly why it happens.

Kesilapan kita boleh membunuh rasa keyakinan dalam diri. Kesilapan demi kesilapan, hanya akan melemahkan 'self confidence'. Apatah lagi jika kesalahan itu adalah kesalahan besar.

Ada pula, yang latar belakang kehidupannya yang sulit seperti masalah keluarga menyebabkan dia membesar dengan perasaan inferiority. Dikuasai rasa rendah diri. Tidak yakin pada diri.

There was time in life, when i feel, all my confidence was taken away from me. Leaving me with nothing than inferiority.

Inferiority is all that i was feeling.

Merasa tidak yakin dengan diri. tidak yakin dengan tindakan. tidak yakin dengan keputusan. tidak yakin dengan percakapan.

But i managed to pull through, fight against the inferiority, trying so hard to gain back all the self confidence, self esteem. To live a better life.

Looking back, when it was back then, confidence level was very high. Not afraid of anything. not afraid of mistakes. not afraid of trying. not afraid of learning.

Ingat lagi, time zaman wind orchestra dulu. Bila main part solo atas stage untuk performance ker, pertandingan ke, walaupun tangan menggeletar, nafas tercungap2, tp dengan yakinnya main dengan gaya ala-ala professional, walaupun bunyinya sangat amatur. But who cares.

Even ingat lagi, pernah time pertandingan akhir wind orchestra time Form 5 dulu, time final, i screwed my solo part badly. Lawak gila. I missed one beat and the whole orchestra 'should screwed up' sebab i was playing the solo part, and all other instrument were following my cue and beat. Sbbkan sangat confident kan, tiup satu part tuh x cukup beat (kira x cukup harkat laa utk senang), tp diri sendiri x perasan pun yang main salah. Hoho. Selamba terus main dengan yakin. Turun jer pentas, terus kena marah ngan cikgu sebab salah main. hohoho..Alhamdulillah, dapat no.3 jugak..hehe..bila tgk vide rakaman balek kan, mmg sekor2 tgh main tuh wat muka pelik and x puas ati sebab aku salah main, tp still aku wat muka yakin jer..haha..

That was, when i was younger. Time tuh berani nak buat salah. Tidak pernah takut untuk mencuba walaupun mungkin salah. Dan confident level sangat tinggi.

But now, seems things had changed dramatically. Never thought i'd be at a point in life where i'll be feeling so inferior.

Spending this whole past year, building self confidence, self esteem, self trust. Fighting against inferiority that might hinder success. It's a struggle. It's a battle indeed. At times you win, there were time you lose. That' just how things run. My confidence is just down the drain. You might have seen me, giving short speech at time, with a trembling heart, fighting against inferiority. You might have seen me pretending to be cool and firm while in fact cuak nak mati. You might have noticed my self inferiority in fact, if you look careful enough.

When you feel low and inferior, you just have to fight. Keep fighting. This is what i'm telling myself to do at this time, this moment. Just don't lose this time. You don't have the privilege to lose in this instance. Cause you have responsibility in your shoulders. You have to carry one...:D

Ingat baca buku autobiography Nelson Mandela, dia ada cakap. " Those who are brave are not without fear, but he who can control his fear "

So aku wat ayat sendiri laa.." Those who are confidence are not without inferiority, but he who can control his inferiority "

Teringin nak rasa confidence macam zaman-zaman remaja dulu..*macam laa skang dah tua kan*. Time masa we think we can conquer the world. Kena lebih confidence bila pergi hospital, consultant tanya, kena jawab dengan lebih bertenaga, lebih berani dan lebih yakin. I just like a mouse bila depan consultant. Bila kena tanya suara akan sangat slow, cakap tergagap-gagap dan sangat tidak yakin. Hoho..that has to change for sure if i want to grad medschool next year. Kadang-kadang tuh tahu jer jawapan, tp takut nak cakap sebab takut salah. Hohoho..ini tidak bagus..Kena lebih confident cam Faimee Erwan Chan..Heeheehee..

Really, what Eleanor Roosevelt said is very true.

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

Confidence = Energy.

Be energetic, be positive


This video pretty much says what i was, and i am now..Huhu..May Allah give strength to us all.

Adios

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